I am looking down at Lucy’s blog and realizing how much braver she is than me. She says so much on this blog and lets the world into see her life. I have decided to try and emulate her in this regard.
My life is scattered right now, it always is pretty much. The largest thing is that March 24, 2009 has now come and; passed. That was the 6th anniversary of the day my father died. He was my best friend and I miss him so much that I feel so lost in the world, adrift from the universe at times.
We all tell ourselves that time heals all wounds, no matter the depth and pain, but that is a lie. I think I hurt more now than I did when I was a scared and numbed 11 year old. I can’t talk about this with anyone, not even my sister who has lost everything that I have, not even with Ellie who is my soul mate in this life and the next, not even with Lucy who claims she is there but doesn’t know what to say, not even with Jude who has such a simple view of life, not even with Ally, my spiritual advisor.
Ally gives me answers straight from a Bible and they can comfort me, but the lack of her own experiences behind the words makes me feel that they are false. I miss my daddy. It’s that simple. I miss having a whole family. Neil and Lucy don’t know how lucky they are, having so much family around them, and having such strength in those connections. I have a family that is scattered to the winds where it survives. I don’t talk to a lot of them; they have abandoned me without the connection of my father. They are gone and I miss them. I miss the close friends that came to every thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I miss the birthday phone calls, I miss their homes where we vacationed, I miss the people I thought we; could rely on, but I suppose we couldn’t.
My sister is in a world that I can’t ever fully join her in, she has allowed me in as far as she can allow, for now, and I’ll try and wait for the door to open further, but it’s a constantly evolving process. She is the main family I have in blood, besides my mother.
Charles. You don’t understand family. You don’t understand me. I’m getting tired of you, tired of your disrespect of me, my friends, of everything. I don’t know or care to know the person you’re becoming. This is why you’re not on the list below.
My Real Family
Ellie aka Stoof
Lucy aka Chelsea
Jude aka Sean
Neil aka Saumalu
Ally aka Karen
The random people who make me smile, make me happy, make me love them but aren’t the closest to me.
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well im glad someone sees it as brave, i dont exactly see eye to eye about that. I wish i could understand your pain but i cant relate to your feelings of loss. i hate it when people act like they understand how i feel when they really dont so im not going to act with you.
ReplyDeletei hope things get better for you. i know that you will always have that whole in your heart, that will never go away and it will always ache. time heals pain not hole-punched hearts.
Roxanne, you're one of the greatest people i know. You're intelligent, nice, funny, stalker-ish, fun, strong, and welcome everyone with open arms. I just think you're awesome. Just thought you should know.
ReplyDeleteThank you lucy and kira. I need friends like you both, you may not be the people that I talk to about these things, but you're the ones who help me forget the crap and live in the moment like i normally do. Its not fair to judge me from this blog, because its the stuff that I don't say normally or feel all the time, its the stuff that I feel when I'm alone. I am a genuinely happy person because I can move on in my life with all these things on my shoulders. I love you guys for being there and I wont ever forget either one of you, where ever we go we are taking our friends with us, even if they are in a completely different place than we are.
ReplyDeleteWho the hell is Charles?
ReplyDelete