Listen

There's a lot going on at home. I need to help mom out so she realizes that fat man isn't the only one who is there for her. I thought of all people my best friends would respect that sometimes I need some space. She needs me right now, that doesn't mean I don't want to hang out, but if means that sometimes family and obligations come first. If that means I'm busy on a weekend so be it and accept that I can't always be the one to provide the entertainment and plans

Friendship

What I believe is life isn’t meant to give you meaning. I’ve never really wanted a deeper meaning for life than that it is a gift that was randomly bestowed upon us and we have the free will to enjoy, question it, or throw it away.

I remember you more than you may realize, freshman year at least, I still can’t remember giving you cupcakes in 4th grade specifically. I remember sitting on the side of that wall and I was miserable. I would come and be there but not be there. I had Ellie barely as a friend, she was still close to a group I was only an occasional and special events participant. I would try and interact, but I was so awkward and weird that no one paid attention other than to question my sanity.

I saw you there and I remember speaking to you about books on a few occasions, but I was intimidated by you a little. You seemed so…together. You had your friends on that wall and were guaranteed a spot there. I thought you had it all just because you sat on those steps.

Freshman year was one of the worst years of my life. I had almost no friends and didn’t ever leave my house except on small occasions. I spent my life in my house watching TV and doing homework and waiting for friends to call. I was lonely and I felt like no one cared or noticed.

This feeling lasted all of freshman year and sophomore year. Then in my junior year I was rescued by all the friends I have now. I don’t remember changing who I was but I remember feeling different. I grew into myself.

I know that you’ll never be the person with a million friends because you’re special. Lucy has too much to offer just anyone. To be your friend is a unique experience and you aren’t ready to let too many people in to your world.

I don’t know that what you’re feeling will go away anytime soon like my feelings did, but I want you to know that you have more friends than you think, people who do care around you. Maybe you don’t see them as friends quite yet, but I think they see you in that way. Ellie and I are here for you. If there’s ever something you think you can’t say but really want to just tell us. Ellie was my harbor in a lot of my bad times in life and the experience has taught me the power of just listening without judgment.

Return

Me and my mom have been through a lot of turmoil lately. She just lost a brother in a tragic way, but in losing him I think she's finding herself again. Fat man is gone for a while and its doing me and her so much good. We're talking again for the first time in a long time. I have missed her so much and these days together is making me see what life would've been like if fat man hadn't ever came, how much closer we'd be, and its sad. I am just hoping that things stay good like this. We're planning a great mother's day and its so filling to have her back. I've missed having a mom.

Mingling Metaphores

I'm looking up at the stars as my fingers fly over these keys like the many soft strumming's across a guitar's strings, or the fleeting wings of a hummingbird. I create a beautiful picture in my mind, but right now I feel like I'm in a limbo. I'm caught in a trap between the rest of my life and what is going on now. I can't wait for May to be here and the last month of high school to be in progress so I can get it behind me. I want to know about my scholarships and how I'm going to pay for my college, and I need to know that my life will work itself out. Its all so messy and not in the best way. A close friend was complaining today about petty things, I listened to her and I felt bad for her, but it also made me realize how abnormal my life is compared to others. The bad things in my life are so much more monumental then the average complaints of my generation and it can make me so sad, but it also makes me that much stronger and more willing to fight. Life will only be great if you make it so and surround yourself with people who care and people who inspire you and make the world a better place.

greatness

So many wonderous events are about to unfold
senior ball
graduation
disney land
college
u2 concert in canada

its all so unreal. we are getting caps and gowns tomorrow and by friday we have to submit our senior ball form. when did that happen to us?! when did we become those adult people about to embark on the next chapter of our lives? i'm so excited and happy that its here and completely anxious for it to arrive. the future is so bright and happy, much better than the murky darkness that occupies my life here. as i write mom is fighting with fat man, and i'm so ready to get away, escape this world. I need something good to happen and i know there will be some right around the corner. thank god or whoever pulls the strings of life. I'm ready for it all to begin.

What I Do

I wish
I hope
I dream

I plot
I think
I read

I watch
I learn
I want

I work
I yearn
I never stop

Because a life worth living means never giving up

What do you do?

Confirmed

I just confirmed my admission to the University of Washington. I am so scared now. I love that school and I know its where I need and want to be, but I can't afford it at all. I need so much money to pay for the tuition, but I know it'll be worth it. I just hope that I can find a way.