Return

Me and my mom have been through a lot of turmoil lately. She just lost a brother in a tragic way, but in losing him I think she's finding herself again. Fat man is gone for a while and its doing me and her so much good. We're talking again for the first time in a long time. I have missed her so much and these days together is making me see what life would've been like if fat man hadn't ever came, how much closer we'd be, and its sad. I am just hoping that things stay good like this. We're planning a great mother's day and its so filling to have her back. I've missed having a mom.

Mingling Metaphores

I'm looking up at the stars as my fingers fly over these keys like the many soft strumming's across a guitar's strings, or the fleeting wings of a hummingbird. I create a beautiful picture in my mind, but right now I feel like I'm in a limbo. I'm caught in a trap between the rest of my life and what is going on now. I can't wait for May to be here and the last month of high school to be in progress so I can get it behind me. I want to know about my scholarships and how I'm going to pay for my college, and I need to know that my life will work itself out. Its all so messy and not in the best way. A close friend was complaining today about petty things, I listened to her and I felt bad for her, but it also made me realize how abnormal my life is compared to others. The bad things in my life are so much more monumental then the average complaints of my generation and it can make me so sad, but it also makes me that much stronger and more willing to fight. Life will only be great if you make it so and surround yourself with people who care and people who inspire you and make the world a better place.

greatness

So many wonderous events are about to unfold
senior ball
graduation
disney land
college
u2 concert in canada

its all so unreal. we are getting caps and gowns tomorrow and by friday we have to submit our senior ball form. when did that happen to us?! when did we become those adult people about to embark on the next chapter of our lives? i'm so excited and happy that its here and completely anxious for it to arrive. the future is so bright and happy, much better than the murky darkness that occupies my life here. as i write mom is fighting with fat man, and i'm so ready to get away, escape this world. I need something good to happen and i know there will be some right around the corner. thank god or whoever pulls the strings of life. I'm ready for it all to begin.

What I Do

I wish
I hope
I dream

I plot
I think
I read

I watch
I learn
I want

I work
I yearn
I never stop

Because a life worth living means never giving up

What do you do?

Confirmed

I just confirmed my admission to the University of Washington. I am so scared now. I love that school and I know its where I need and want to be, but I can't afford it at all. I need so much money to pay for the tuition, but I know it'll be worth it. I just hope that I can find a way.

Creator

She is so surprised to see me so grown up. She doesn't know when it happened. I know when it did. It happened when dad died and you couldn't handle it, it happened when you hooked up with some guy only 7 months after dad died, it happened when you started drinking, it happened when you fought with him, threw him out and then let him back in the next day with no explanations or apologies. It happened, you missed it, quit acting like you were there for me, you weren't.

Family

I am looking down at Lucy’s blog and realizing how much braver she is than me. She says so much on this blog and lets the world into see her life. I have decided to try and emulate her in this regard.

My life is scattered right now, it always is pretty much. The largest thing is that March 24, 2009 has now come and; passed. That was the 6th anniversary of the day my father died. He was my best friend and I miss him so much that I feel so lost in the world, adrift from the universe at times.

We all tell ourselves that time heals all wounds, no matter the depth and pain, but that is a lie. I think I hurt more now than I did when I was a scared and numbed 11 year old. I can’t talk about this with anyone, not even my sister who has lost everything that I have, not even with Ellie who is my soul mate in this life and the next, not even with Lucy who claims she is there but doesn’t know what to say, not even with Jude who has such a simple view of life, not even with Ally, my spiritual advisor.

Ally gives me answers straight from a Bible and they can comfort me, but the lack of her own experiences behind the words makes me feel that they are false. I miss my daddy. It’s that simple. I miss having a whole family. Neil and Lucy don’t know how lucky they are, having so much family around them, and having such strength in those connections. I have a family that is scattered to the winds where it survives. I don’t talk to a lot of them; they have abandoned me without the connection of my father. They are gone and I miss them. I miss the close friends that came to every thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I miss the birthday phone calls, I miss their homes where we vacationed, I miss the people I thought we; could rely on, but I suppose we couldn’t.


My sister is in a world that I can’t ever fully join her in, she has allowed me in as far as she can allow, for now, and I’ll try and wait for the door to open further, but it’s a constantly evolving process. She is the main family I have in blood, besides my mother.

Charles. You don’t understand family. You don’t understand me. I’m getting tired of you, tired of your disrespect of me, my friends, of everything. I don’t know or care to know the person you’re becoming. This is why you’re not on the list below.

My Real Family

Ellie aka Stoof
Lucy aka Chelsea
Jude aka Sean
Neil aka Saumalu
Ally aka Karen


The random people who make me smile, make me happy, make me love them but aren’t the closest to me.