Timing

Regrets are a waste of time. Must remember to stop having them one of these days. I can't wait to return to Seattle, I love it here, but I'm so bored and stir crazy these days. It seems like all we do is look at each other and wonder what we should do with our time. Which usually entails the beach and barnes and noble. Great times are always had but I miss the city lights. I miss my friends in washington. Can't wait for adventures with Chelsea, my Haggett ladies, and school friends. August 19th, one month in counting.

Generation X

When did I become one of those girls who makes those types of mistakes? It happened a while back, but the fact that it happened still bothers me. I never want to become one of those girls I hate. Time for some changes. Time to do better because I used to be a better person. So its with determination I return to college life with virginity intact but pride mildly dented. Note to self: never drink with boys I like who are complete assholes.

Choices

Life is a series of choices, or so I've been told. If this holds true than why have the biggest and most altering choices of my life been made by another person? The phrase should be, life is a series of choices that you don't get to make. Over and over again I've thought that maybe I could stand him, maybe I could get used to him, maybe if he works at it he can be like a real father (something I've sorely missed). But again and again I've been let down and disappointed. Life hasn't given me a second chance at a family. Mom's in AA and I'm so happy for her, she's getting help, but at the same time she refuses to address where the original problem came from and change it. He's the root of almost all of this families problems and i can't help but feel that if he left things would get so much better and we could finally get back to a place that resembles normalcy. I know this is a fools wish because she is afraid. She won't trust that she can function in this life without a man, she's always had an old fashioned perspective on this, but now its to the point of ridiculousness. She just doesn't understand how difficult it is to trust him and let someone into my heart again. I tried so hard after we lost Dad and he was there, but then I remember the emotional abuse, the fights, him leaving supposedly for good and being home the next day. he's been nice to me since I've been home, but I can't let him in because I know how much it'll hurt. It would've been so much easier if mom had chosen better, if someone else had been let into my life who could have helped our family instead of contribute to its decay. I don't think she understands the gravity of me and Leah's last choice, what has become our only choice. If after this summer she hasn't left him we are telling her that we're not going to be returning for extended periods of time, she won't be invited to Leah's wedding, won't be allowed to see her future grandchildren. If she continues to make her choice of him before her only children then she is basically losing her children. We won't take a backseat to him any longer. We have a choice. The hardest we'll ever make, but it is a necessity to ensure our own survival. The time is almost upon us.

Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day

I'm really happy here. I love the people I'm meeting and the things I'm doing, but even all this fun can't completely hide the worry I feel. I found out something recently that surprised me, my mother joined alcoholics anonymous. It was a revelation because she's never really admitted that she had a major problem. Its good to see her taking it seriously and making an effort to change, but it worries me, I feel like maybe she had an impetus, like her doctor telling her something bad that forced her to quit her drinking before she destroyed her liver. It makes me think. Every time I have a drink in college I could be going one step further towards becoming like her and developing a problem. It scares me, but at the same time I don't want my long history of family alcoholism to prevent me from making my own choices and having fun in college and experiencing it for myself. I'm going through a phase. I'm discovering the party scene and trying new things for myself. I don't feel like I'm a different person from the girl I was before I came here but the new things I've tried since I've been here have affected the person I'm becoming. I'm experimenting with life and I don't think there is anything wrong with being young and trying out new things. Drinking and smoking do not feel like the big forbidden voodoo that they used to seem like in high school. I'm not going to go too far and get sucked into a world I don't want to be in but I'm having fun and trying on a different side of myself.

The simple joys of waking up here and having this world that I love is amazing, but I feel like its costing me a great friend. I think she thinks I'm moving away from her, but it isn't that. I'm just so busy in this world and as much as I love her and love hanging out with her it gets hard for me to move out of this part of town and find the time to get away with her. I've tried to include her in my world here, but she tends to not like the people in this world. I feel like the only way we work is when its just us and her people. I need to work harder at our friendship. I need to make more time for her, but with midterms and finals and papers and friends here its difficult. Then its going to be summer and those months are going to go by and I don't know what will happen. Losing her as a friend, despite all the times she drives me crazy, would be devastating and a loss of a piece of who I am. Time must be found. “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.” I owe her better, we owe each other better.

Help

I wish I knew what I could do. I'd do anything if you would only tell me. I'm sorry I'm so busy here. I wish it was simpler. I wish it was last year. All these wishes on stars and plants that I blow the seeds off of. None of it will help, but still I look at the stars and search the grass. I'm worried about you.

Jet Plane

Some days I wish I could fly away on a jet plane. Just take off into the sky and leave the world behind. Leave my friends, my family, my school, my life. Just throw it all away and fly alone into the abyss. I no longer feel for the person I've spent, or rather wasted, the last 6 months of my life on. It was selfish, and pointless, and insane. I want to just erase him, erase all that we were, he's a hypocrite, he's a liar, he doesn't even respect me. I'll be his friend, but we're not close, he refuses to let me in and that is on him. If he ever wants to I'll be there, but I'm not going to force myself into his life. I could have given it up to him, and I'm so glad I didn't. I would have regretted it beyond any other mistake. I'm making a promise to myself. No more boy obsessions like this. No more allowing it to take over my life. If I feel like I'm going to again, I'll just drift off and fly away on my jet plane. No more. I may need to reread this later and remind myself. I'm sorry to my best friends who I talked about this, or rather whined about it, way too much.

Erased so I can move on