Erased so I can move on

7 years....

Seven years. Its so weird. I don't feel much. I guess crying on Marble for over an hour on Sunday drained me of the necessary emotion to feel much on today. Dad's dead, mom's a drunk who dates an evil son of a bitch, and me and leah are caught in a crossfire. Only difference between this anniversary and the past 6 is that I'm finally on my own, free and in college. I still miss him, but I love him still. I was happy today, I should be happy today, celebrate the good times instead of be sad. Its okay...Its all going to be okay.

My Stoof

The reason we are best friends is because if I ask a question like this, I get an answer like this.

Why wont you make love to me with the lights on?! by RoxyDuck

My other senses are strengthened when in it's dark so the whole experience is much more sensual.

Forgot what its like

I can't stop thinking about how unfair it all is. The 7th anniversary of his death is fast approaching. I can't remember what its like to have a father anymore. I remember him so fondly, he was such an amazing person and father. I miss him. I see reminders of him everywhere. Canada was kind of hard in some ways. I look at Scott and Dan and the Morrison's and it reminds me of my childhood before everything got so messed up. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm going to post more soon. Just had to get this out there.

The winds are changing

Sometimes you have to leave the ones you love in order to realize your true feelings for them. To my followers, those who read my innermost thoughts on this blog, I would like to share something more with you. Anyone who knows me well knows that my relationship with my family is tumultuous to say the very least. My family is broken, and bruised and scattered to the winds for the most part, but it has survived so much trauma that these injuries are to be expected. I love what remains of my family, but my mother and I have the most complicated relationship of all. Before I left it was like a battle, a battle for power, a battle to see who is right, a battle for no good reason, but since then we have grown stronger, better. I now feel like we’re in a good place. I hope to God that this doesn’t change when I go back for Christmas. I’d like to ask a favor of one of the followers of this blog, to respect the fact that my mom is trying very hard, and the fact that I love her very much and if she has a thought about the damage between me and mom, to keep it to herself. I think that we’re healing; I hope it remains, because I’d like to get a little bit back of what I’ve lost. I’ve lost one parent already; I refuse to hate the one I have left.

wanting

I haven't been very bloggy lately. I've been so busy with life that I haven't taken the time to put anything up. The homesickness has passed and now i'm falling in love with seattle and udub. everything about college is agreeing with me but i can't help but miss something i've never even had, a boyfriend. I see my roommmate and how in love she is and i want that. I just want someone to hold my hand and think I'm beautiful. As a strong independent woman its difficult to admit but i want someone to like me in a way other than friendship. Some girls seem to get them so easily but its never been like that for me. every crush i've ever had has ended in disaster. i suppose when its meant to be it'll happen but the wait is making me lonely.

Unexpected

I keep feeling homesick randomly. I didn't all month till now in the dorms. I miss the familiarity, I miss my mother, I miss the security of high school, I miss having a home. Then I remember how bored I got being there and my decision to come here seems right again. I think I'm just going to be sad sometimes here and I need to make it my home. This is a big world and a big change and I'm going to have to get used to that. I'm a big girl now.