July 13, 2009
Dear Mom,
I want you to know that I believe you when you say that you’ve tried your best these past 6 years. I also want you to know that it wasn’t enough. Mistakes were made and the aftermath of those mistakes will have to be reckoned with as time moves on.
I think that the greatest of those mistakes is that you didn’t talk to us. I don’t recall ever being asked if we were ok with you dating someone 7 months after our dad died a long drawn out death. Did you ever think that we’d just be fine with that? Or were you just afraid to ask. Your entire life you’ve let men control you and because of that Leah and I have vowed to never let men be our bosses. Its your own issue that you have to deal with, whether or not its easier to let a man rule your life even though you have a brain in your head and can do things for yourself. Don’t be sad when you see how upset we are at Bart’s continued existence in our lives because I’ve given up trying to fix that. It’s your decision and I’ve made peace with the fact that you’re basically choosing him over me and Leah.
I hope these words don’t make you that sad, I know they may seem harsh but after 6 long years of silence I can’t take not telling you how I feel. I hate Bart; I always have and probably always will. I tried to deny it to you all those times you asked because I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t see that I was the one who needed protection. All your fights, coming home to him packing his things and the screaming wasn’t healthy for us to witness and the fact that after you put me and Leah through all that and told us that you were choosing us over him he was back the next day. You never apologized for that.
I want you to know that I love you so much. I appreciate how hard it has been for you to live here for us, but I want you to know that we’ve had to work just as hard if not harder. I just wish you had kept talking to me. There came a point when I still wanted to share the daily events of my life and you weren’t there anymore. You didn’t seem to want to hear them and I got used to not sharing them with you and now I feel like you want to start hearing them again. If this is true I’m trying to let you in but every time I worry that you’re still going to pick the alcohol over me or Bart over me. I miss you, I love you so much, and I’m not mad that we’ve all made some mistakes in the last 6years. I don’t blame you for any of this because you were doing the best you could.
You told me that I don’t appreciate you, but that’s wrong. Every time you filled my bath for me, made me lunch and brought it to work, or said something encouraging about my efforts in school I appreciated. I guess I should have shown you that more and for this I’m sorry and I miss you.
I hope that with me and Leah both out of the house you realize that there are worse things than having to start your life over in your fifties. I want to be there for you and help. We will all get through the harsh financial times if we act wisely. I hope you really give up drinking when I’m away. You’ve promised it so many times. I refuse to advise you about Bart, me and Leah agree that it’s your decision but you know how we feel, deep down you always knew. You made me feel like I couldn’t be honest with you about how I was feeling so I hid it. I found comfort in my friends. They are what have kept me going and the ones that I talked to about everything. The time came when I had to grow up and in my opinion it came a bit too soon. I won’t ever be a weak person because I had to grow up so fast.
In Sacred Hearts I had little or no friends because I was trying so hard to be an adult when I was still a child. I was uptight and overly strict with my classmates. I learned to let go in high school and finally be happy. I had friends and I loved it. But every time I leave the house to have fun with them I feel like I’m leaving you alone. I’ve tried to stay home more but its boring here and when I tried to invite you to things you wouldn’t come. I asked if you wanted to see a movie 6 times this month. We’ve got some work to do on our relationship. I want you to know that I’m willing to do it.
I love you very much and that will never change. No matter what happens. If you have to rent out half the house or move away when the market comes back. I hope to god that this letter doesn’t hurt you. I want you to know that it wasn’t my intention. I just needed to be honest with you.
Eternal Love,
Roxanne Grantham
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I think you should give it to her. At a time when fat man isn't around. Leave it for her to find then talk to her about it when you get back. Let her think about the letter, let it sink in before you talk to her about it. Maybe then it will really hit her in the head.
ReplyDeleteBut of course you have to do it when you're ready. And you may never feel like you're ready but you are. Just from reading this I know that youre ready. You have thought this through and through again.
and it's great to have friends to confide in but there is only so much friends can do. Sometimes what you really need is a mother. Someone that will just hug you, no questions asked. And yes, every mother has her problems but that's why they have daughters and sons, to help them. to help each other out, that's why you have family.
You were right. The letter was he one thing that made her listen.
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