happiness is only real if shared

I ride the back of a camel
He runs into the starry night
Stars blur as we gain in speed
I don't know where this beast is taking us
But I don't care
An adventure is what we seek
And I know me and camel shall find it
Finally our destination is here
The valley of the great beyond
An oasis within a desert of times gone by
Peace and love fills the air of this destination
I feel like the world has fallen into place
But...
Something is missing from my paradise
All I have is this camel
And he is not enough
I miss the desert
The smells, the people, the experiences
I miss my friends who are my family
I take the camel and we ride out of the oasis
It’s surprisingly easy to leave paradise for the real world
I realized something there
Happiness is only real if shared

Where Do We Belong?

I just finished watching one of those commercials advertising the benefits of sitting around the dinner table with your family and it made me so sad. They always make me sad, because I used to be one of those families. Mom, Dad, Leah and I used to have fun, serious, political, ridiculous, and ordinary conversations and its the thing I've missed the most since his death. We would talk and eat and laugh with each other and I used to think that we had the perfect nuclear family. Over the past 6 years the occasion of sitting around the dinner table together has gotten rarer and rarer and when we do if Fat Man is home from Oahu where he works and lives most of the time the conversation is tense and filled with his MORONIC AND IDIOTIC jokes that AREN'T FUNNY in the slightest. Its amazing how arrogant and insanely pedantic that man can be. I hate him to the core of my being and his simpering, condescending nature makes me want to jam his head against a curb. When he speaks to me I barely acknowledge him and he isn't perturbed in the slightest. He continues on with his bullshit. The sound of his voice makes my toes curl with discomfort and revulsion. Then I go to chelsea's house. We all help and contribute to the meal and sit around and talk and laugh together. Then we all eat and its amazing food, but the part that I love the most is laughing at playing with the "sploosh" from the root beer bottles and talking with each other like we all matter. The Drazkowski's seem to have this amazing understanding of each other. They love so unconditionally and remind me of how my family used to be. They also seem to accept others into this beautiful world they've created without hesitation. I ran errands with chelsea's mom today and it was great. We chatted and kept each other company and it was nice. I hope that someday the family I have will be as loving and understanding as there's is. I will let my kids make mistakes and they will know I'll be there for them so that they can learn from them. I wont repeat the mistakes of my mother.

Timing

Cellars made me think about the difference between ages and the relationships with those differences. I am now a year ahead of the current seniors, who will always seem like "the juniors" to me and I'm a year behind everyone who was in the class of 2008. Will it always seem like we're separated by that one year in time. Like I'm perpetually ahead of the juniors and behind the older people I know. Then I look at my current job situation. I'm a seventeen year old girl with only a high school diploma under my belt and I make 10.50 an hour which seems great but pathetic for the reason that many of my much older colleagues make the same or less. There is nothing wrong with being in a job as opposed to a career for the rest of your life if that is what you want to do with your life, but I'm so glad that I'm going to college and I'll be having a career that will bring more of an opportunity than that of a normal job that pays the bills and doesn't bring much of a sense of satisfaction. I love my job a lot and I get a lot of enjoyment out of it, but I don't want to serve people the rest of my life. I want to go up the ladder of life and leave the work that I do now to the seventeen year old high school graduates of tomorrow. I saw a lot of amazing people that I'm truly going to miss when i go to college, but it also made me think about the parts of high school that I hated, the exclusivity of the "popular" crowd I didn't want to be included in, and the degradation of the young people in our society. Why young women want to dance and dress and act in a way that makes people view them as cheap meat is beyond me. I don't want to judge them, but its so sad to see girls so young conforming to a social norm of what it means to be attractive. Then I see girls like Darcy who I thought were dressed sexily, but appropriately. She looked great and beautiful and in control without screaming to the world that she hot. I have hope for the future of my generation, but only if those of us who are intelligent rise above the caste system in our society and remember to be individuals.

Crush

I don't know what scares me more. That he knows that I like him or that he doesn't. I've had a lot of crushes over my last years of high school. Most of them meaningless and innocent. A fleeting attraction if you will. I've been accused of being boycrazy and an emotional whore, but deep down I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will understand me. I feel like my personality is so out there that it immediately makes men put me in the "friend zone" and I don't want to remain there forever. I see so many happy couples out there and I don't know if I'll ever be one of them. There's this one guy. Lets call him Landon. Its no one people would ever guess, he's older and so unique and comfortable in his own skin. We have so much fun together. I feel like he doesn't judge me or dump me in a category, but I know when I leave here for my new future I'll forget him with time. Out of sight=Out of mind. I don't know who the future holds but I hope he makes me happy, that's all I want, to be happy.

Lasting Emotion

I hope this new thing lasts. Its come on so suddenly and taken me completely over. I think its what they call being happy.

She apologized

My mom and me and Leah all screamed and cried and yelled our hearts out. About everything that's happened in the past 6 years and all the mistakes made. She finally broke down and admitted fault after I read her the letter I wrote and put on here. I'm so glad we all have a chance to repair our relationship now. All I've ever needed to hear from her is that she made some mistakes and that she's sorry. Thank you mom and thank you God.

I don't know If I can give this to her

July 13, 2009
Dear Mom,
I want you to know that I believe you when you say that you’ve tried your best these past 6 years. I also want you to know that it wasn’t enough. Mistakes were made and the aftermath of those mistakes will have to be reckoned with as time moves on.
I think that the greatest of those mistakes is that you didn’t talk to us. I don’t recall ever being asked if we were ok with you dating someone 7 months after our dad died a long drawn out death. Did you ever think that we’d just be fine with that? Or were you just afraid to ask. Your entire life you’ve let men control you and because of that Leah and I have vowed to never let men be our bosses. Its your own issue that you have to deal with, whether or not its easier to let a man rule your life even though you have a brain in your head and can do things for yourself. Don’t be sad when you see how upset we are at Bart’s continued existence in our lives because I’ve given up trying to fix that. It’s your decision and I’ve made peace with the fact that you’re basically choosing him over me and Leah.
I hope these words don’t make you that sad, I know they may seem harsh but after 6 long years of silence I can’t take not telling you how I feel. I hate Bart; I always have and probably always will. I tried to deny it to you all those times you asked because I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t see that I was the one who needed protection. All your fights, coming home to him packing his things and the screaming wasn’t healthy for us to witness and the fact that after you put me and Leah through all that and told us that you were choosing us over him he was back the next day. You never apologized for that.
I want you to know that I love you so much. I appreciate how hard it has been for you to live here for us, but I want you to know that we’ve had to work just as hard if not harder. I just wish you had kept talking to me. There came a point when I still wanted to share the daily events of my life and you weren’t there anymore. You didn’t seem to want to hear them and I got used to not sharing them with you and now I feel like you want to start hearing them again. If this is true I’m trying to let you in but every time I worry that you’re still going to pick the alcohol over me or Bart over me. I miss you, I love you so much, and I’m not mad that we’ve all made some mistakes in the last 6years. I don’t blame you for any of this because you were doing the best you could.
You told me that I don’t appreciate you, but that’s wrong. Every time you filled my bath for me, made me lunch and brought it to work, or said something encouraging about my efforts in school I appreciated. I guess I should have shown you that more and for this I’m sorry and I miss you.
I hope that with me and Leah both out of the house you realize that there are worse things than having to start your life over in your fifties. I want to be there for you and help. We will all get through the harsh financial times if we act wisely. I hope you really give up drinking when I’m away. You’ve promised it so many times. I refuse to advise you about Bart, me and Leah agree that it’s your decision but you know how we feel, deep down you always knew. You made me feel like I couldn’t be honest with you about how I was feeling so I hid it. I found comfort in my friends. They are what have kept me going and the ones that I talked to about everything. The time came when I had to grow up and in my opinion it came a bit too soon. I won’t ever be a weak person because I had to grow up so fast.
In Sacred Hearts I had little or no friends because I was trying so hard to be an adult when I was still a child. I was uptight and overly strict with my classmates. I learned to let go in high school and finally be happy. I had friends and I loved it. But every time I leave the house to have fun with them I feel like I’m leaving you alone. I’ve tried to stay home more but its boring here and when I tried to invite you to things you wouldn’t come. I asked if you wanted to see a movie 6 times this month. We’ve got some work to do on our relationship. I want you to know that I’m willing to do it.
I love you very much and that will never change. No matter what happens. If you have to rent out half the house or move away when the market comes back. I hope to god that this letter doesn’t hurt you. I want you to know that it wasn’t my intention. I just needed to be honest with you.
Eternal Love,
Roxanne Grantham