The winds are changing

Sometimes you have to leave the ones you love in order to realize your true feelings for them. To my followers, those who read my innermost thoughts on this blog, I would like to share something more with you. Anyone who knows me well knows that my relationship with my family is tumultuous to say the very least. My family is broken, and bruised and scattered to the winds for the most part, but it has survived so much trauma that these injuries are to be expected. I love what remains of my family, but my mother and I have the most complicated relationship of all. Before I left it was like a battle, a battle for power, a battle to see who is right, a battle for no good reason, but since then we have grown stronger, better. I now feel like we’re in a good place. I hope to God that this doesn’t change when I go back for Christmas. I’d like to ask a favor of one of the followers of this blog, to respect the fact that my mom is trying very hard, and the fact that I love her very much and if she has a thought about the damage between me and mom, to keep it to herself. I think that we’re healing; I hope it remains, because I’d like to get a little bit back of what I’ve lost. I’ve lost one parent already; I refuse to hate the one I have left.

wanting

I haven't been very bloggy lately. I've been so busy with life that I haven't taken the time to put anything up. The homesickness has passed and now i'm falling in love with seattle and udub. everything about college is agreeing with me but i can't help but miss something i've never even had, a boyfriend. I see my roommmate and how in love she is and i want that. I just want someone to hold my hand and think I'm beautiful. As a strong independent woman its difficult to admit but i want someone to like me in a way other than friendship. Some girls seem to get them so easily but its never been like that for me. every crush i've ever had has ended in disaster. i suppose when its meant to be it'll happen but the wait is making me lonely.

Unexpected

I keep feeling homesick randomly. I didn't all month till now in the dorms. I miss the familiarity, I miss my mother, I miss the security of high school, I miss having a home. Then I remember how bored I got being there and my decision to come here seems right again. I think I'm just going to be sad sometimes here and I need to make it my home. This is a big world and a big change and I'm going to have to get used to that. I'm a big girl now.

lavender

Lavender
I smell your sweetness
I can almost taste the fragrance
It fills me up in all the empty places
The holes left behind
The wounds left to fester
The people who have left
Those who’ve hurt me
Now those holes are filled and healed over
The smell has borne me anew
The world has shown me the horrors it can unleash
But the wonders too
And I now know the wonders outweigh the horrors
The lavender has shown me the way home
Back to a world that is clear
A world that speaks true
I take another deep inhale of the sweetness
And I walk away
Away from my salvation
Because I know any longer and I won’t be able to leave
Leave behind what has rescued me
Now I leave it as a memory
Something that I can revisit when I need strength
But something that I won’t need every day to continue on
Because it has healed me
And for this I am eternally grateful

happiness is only real if shared

I ride the back of a camel
He runs into the starry night
Stars blur as we gain in speed
I don't know where this beast is taking us
But I don't care
An adventure is what we seek
And I know me and camel shall find it
Finally our destination is here
The valley of the great beyond
An oasis within a desert of times gone by
Peace and love fills the air of this destination
I feel like the world has fallen into place
But...
Something is missing from my paradise
All I have is this camel
And he is not enough
I miss the desert
The smells, the people, the experiences
I miss my friends who are my family
I take the camel and we ride out of the oasis
It’s surprisingly easy to leave paradise for the real world
I realized something there
Happiness is only real if shared

Where Do We Belong?

I just finished watching one of those commercials advertising the benefits of sitting around the dinner table with your family and it made me so sad. They always make me sad, because I used to be one of those families. Mom, Dad, Leah and I used to have fun, serious, political, ridiculous, and ordinary conversations and its the thing I've missed the most since his death. We would talk and eat and laugh with each other and I used to think that we had the perfect nuclear family. Over the past 6 years the occasion of sitting around the dinner table together has gotten rarer and rarer and when we do if Fat Man is home from Oahu where he works and lives most of the time the conversation is tense and filled with his MORONIC AND IDIOTIC jokes that AREN'T FUNNY in the slightest. Its amazing how arrogant and insanely pedantic that man can be. I hate him to the core of my being and his simpering, condescending nature makes me want to jam his head against a curb. When he speaks to me I barely acknowledge him and he isn't perturbed in the slightest. He continues on with his bullshit. The sound of his voice makes my toes curl with discomfort and revulsion. Then I go to chelsea's house. We all help and contribute to the meal and sit around and talk and laugh together. Then we all eat and its amazing food, but the part that I love the most is laughing at playing with the "sploosh" from the root beer bottles and talking with each other like we all matter. The Drazkowski's seem to have this amazing understanding of each other. They love so unconditionally and remind me of how my family used to be. They also seem to accept others into this beautiful world they've created without hesitation. I ran errands with chelsea's mom today and it was great. We chatted and kept each other company and it was nice. I hope that someday the family I have will be as loving and understanding as there's is. I will let my kids make mistakes and they will know I'll be there for them so that they can learn from them. I wont repeat the mistakes of my mother.

Timing

Cellars made me think about the difference between ages and the relationships with those differences. I am now a year ahead of the current seniors, who will always seem like "the juniors" to me and I'm a year behind everyone who was in the class of 2008. Will it always seem like we're separated by that one year in time. Like I'm perpetually ahead of the juniors and behind the older people I know. Then I look at my current job situation. I'm a seventeen year old girl with only a high school diploma under my belt and I make 10.50 an hour which seems great but pathetic for the reason that many of my much older colleagues make the same or less. There is nothing wrong with being in a job as opposed to a career for the rest of your life if that is what you want to do with your life, but I'm so glad that I'm going to college and I'll be having a career that will bring more of an opportunity than that of a normal job that pays the bills and doesn't bring much of a sense of satisfaction. I love my job a lot and I get a lot of enjoyment out of it, but I don't want to serve people the rest of my life. I want to go up the ladder of life and leave the work that I do now to the seventeen year old high school graduates of tomorrow. I saw a lot of amazing people that I'm truly going to miss when i go to college, but it also made me think about the parts of high school that I hated, the exclusivity of the "popular" crowd I didn't want to be included in, and the degradation of the young people in our society. Why young women want to dance and dress and act in a way that makes people view them as cheap meat is beyond me. I don't want to judge them, but its so sad to see girls so young conforming to a social norm of what it means to be attractive. Then I see girls like Darcy who I thought were dressed sexily, but appropriately. She looked great and beautiful and in control without screaming to the world that she hot. I have hope for the future of my generation, but only if those of us who are intelligent rise above the caste system in our society and remember to be individuals.

Crush

I don't know what scares me more. That he knows that I like him or that he doesn't. I've had a lot of crushes over my last years of high school. Most of them meaningless and innocent. A fleeting attraction if you will. I've been accused of being boycrazy and an emotional whore, but deep down I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will understand me. I feel like my personality is so out there that it immediately makes men put me in the "friend zone" and I don't want to remain there forever. I see so many happy couples out there and I don't know if I'll ever be one of them. There's this one guy. Lets call him Landon. Its no one people would ever guess, he's older and so unique and comfortable in his own skin. We have so much fun together. I feel like he doesn't judge me or dump me in a category, but I know when I leave here for my new future I'll forget him with time. Out of sight=Out of mind. I don't know who the future holds but I hope he makes me happy, that's all I want, to be happy.

Lasting Emotion

I hope this new thing lasts. Its come on so suddenly and taken me completely over. I think its what they call being happy.

She apologized

My mom and me and Leah all screamed and cried and yelled our hearts out. About everything that's happened in the past 6 years and all the mistakes made. She finally broke down and admitted fault after I read her the letter I wrote and put on here. I'm so glad we all have a chance to repair our relationship now. All I've ever needed to hear from her is that she made some mistakes and that she's sorry. Thank you mom and thank you God.

I don't know If I can give this to her

July 13, 2009
Dear Mom,
I want you to know that I believe you when you say that you’ve tried your best these past 6 years. I also want you to know that it wasn’t enough. Mistakes were made and the aftermath of those mistakes will have to be reckoned with as time moves on.
I think that the greatest of those mistakes is that you didn’t talk to us. I don’t recall ever being asked if we were ok with you dating someone 7 months after our dad died a long drawn out death. Did you ever think that we’d just be fine with that? Or were you just afraid to ask. Your entire life you’ve let men control you and because of that Leah and I have vowed to never let men be our bosses. Its your own issue that you have to deal with, whether or not its easier to let a man rule your life even though you have a brain in your head and can do things for yourself. Don’t be sad when you see how upset we are at Bart’s continued existence in our lives because I’ve given up trying to fix that. It’s your decision and I’ve made peace with the fact that you’re basically choosing him over me and Leah.
I hope these words don’t make you that sad, I know they may seem harsh but after 6 long years of silence I can’t take not telling you how I feel. I hate Bart; I always have and probably always will. I tried to deny it to you all those times you asked because I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t see that I was the one who needed protection. All your fights, coming home to him packing his things and the screaming wasn’t healthy for us to witness and the fact that after you put me and Leah through all that and told us that you were choosing us over him he was back the next day. You never apologized for that.
I want you to know that I love you so much. I appreciate how hard it has been for you to live here for us, but I want you to know that we’ve had to work just as hard if not harder. I just wish you had kept talking to me. There came a point when I still wanted to share the daily events of my life and you weren’t there anymore. You didn’t seem to want to hear them and I got used to not sharing them with you and now I feel like you want to start hearing them again. If this is true I’m trying to let you in but every time I worry that you’re still going to pick the alcohol over me or Bart over me. I miss you, I love you so much, and I’m not mad that we’ve all made some mistakes in the last 6years. I don’t blame you for any of this because you were doing the best you could.
You told me that I don’t appreciate you, but that’s wrong. Every time you filled my bath for me, made me lunch and brought it to work, or said something encouraging about my efforts in school I appreciated. I guess I should have shown you that more and for this I’m sorry and I miss you.
I hope that with me and Leah both out of the house you realize that there are worse things than having to start your life over in your fifties. I want to be there for you and help. We will all get through the harsh financial times if we act wisely. I hope you really give up drinking when I’m away. You’ve promised it so many times. I refuse to advise you about Bart, me and Leah agree that it’s your decision but you know how we feel, deep down you always knew. You made me feel like I couldn’t be honest with you about how I was feeling so I hid it. I found comfort in my friends. They are what have kept me going and the ones that I talked to about everything. The time came when I had to grow up and in my opinion it came a bit too soon. I won’t ever be a weak person because I had to grow up so fast.
In Sacred Hearts I had little or no friends because I was trying so hard to be an adult when I was still a child. I was uptight and overly strict with my classmates. I learned to let go in high school and finally be happy. I had friends and I loved it. But every time I leave the house to have fun with them I feel like I’m leaving you alone. I’ve tried to stay home more but its boring here and when I tried to invite you to things you wouldn’t come. I asked if you wanted to see a movie 6 times this month. We’ve got some work to do on our relationship. I want you to know that I’m willing to do it.
I love you very much and that will never change. No matter what happens. If you have to rent out half the house or move away when the market comes back. I hope to god that this letter doesn’t hurt you. I want you to know that it wasn’t my intention. I just needed to be honest with you.
Eternal Love,
Roxanne Grantham

Great...

She can't shut her stupid mouth and leave well enough alone. Telling mom the truth about all the shit she's put us through these past 6 years will only make things worse. She's a child incapable of taking responsibility. Stop pushing it. I want to have the superficial happiness that we have when you and fat man aren't around to push things. Live and let live, sometimes being right isn't enough. Sometimes you have to settle.

Replacement

Two blogs in one day, i must be on a role. I'm writing this because I feel like someone I considered a close friend is moving away from me. We only hung out outside school on occasion because of some parental issues, but now she's doing things with our mutual friends and not even thinking to invite me. It hurts a bit, especially when I make the effort to invite her even when I know she probably wont come. Its the thought that counts. Is it all because you didn't end up going out with "him"? Is that what you've ended our friendship over? I've always sensed that I was a bit of a second class friend just because I wasn't in NHS or didn't go to LIS or something. I didn't know what it was but there was always something there that seemed to hold her away from me. We bonded over things and I'm sad to see this friendship dwindle. Our texting still feels like it always did but now she's off doing things with our friends and I wouldn't even hear about it if it weren't for Twitter or another friend who mistakenly asked if I was going along on the plans. I informed him I wasn't invited and he felt bad. I hope that she doesn't realize what she's doing or that there's a reason other than she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I miss her.

Hello Seattle

I can't wait for my new home!!!!!!!!!!! Stoof is there right now and I'm beyond envious. I'm sick to death of the faux family dinners and life here. I'm so ready to live in Seattle and have a new place to call my home. Stoof talking about the places makes me sure that I'm going to love it. I can't wait for my new world to open up :D

Home

I've spent 17 years here on Maui. I've lived here my entire life, I've loved here, lost here, and made incredible friendships here. I don't know what to say about it anymore. I get into my car with Stoof and we don't know where to go anymore. We've traveled everywhere, done everything, and now we're done. Its like the adventures here are scarcer and scarcer. We have to find them by random coincidence and the lining ups of fates. We had an INCREDIBLE night last night. We started by owl searching, and ended up ghost riding the whip. I felt so free! For the first time in a long time I let go of a little ball inside my stomach with so much tension in it. I love my friends and I was having the time of my life watching the stars blur past us while driving down a deserted road in the middle of the night. Even this most epic of adventure couldn't fully make up for the fact that I'm BORED here. I feel so stuck here, like I need to get out into the world and see the bigger picture. I need to know what I'm capable of and what college will be like. I want the next step to be here already. I need the next step to happen. I'm scared, but I know that I'll be ok, I'll grow up and be an adult and start my real life. And when I return here during breaks and vacations I can reminisce about the past and find some more adventures here. Its easier when you're working with less time. I'll always love it here, it is my home, but I need to get out of here. I need to leave this island behind for now. I'll always remember the times here, I'll always love the people and the places, but for now I need to say goodbye.

Old Friends

The world is a many layered and confusing place. For my graduation people have sent an outpouring of cards, gifts, money and well wishes. Mostly from people I've never met who only know me as Roger Grantham's daughter. A great friend of my dad's who has schizophrenia recently came to town to give me a graduation gift. It was a 1500 dollar tag heuer watch. It was so nice and he said if dad was here it would've come from him so I needed to have it. It was so kind of him, even though he claimed that homeland security was watching and didn't pack any clothes for the trip, only knives and screwdrivers. He's crazy, but he loved my dad and it inspired me to give like that even though he's never met me. Its so...weird. Very kind and generous, but its so strange that he's not here but people liked and remember him so well that they'd support me in this way. It also makes me so sad. He didn't see the greatest moments of my life, my May Dav when I was queen, 8th grade graduation, my business awards, the day I got into college, my high school graduation. He didn't get to see them and he wont get to see the ones to come, my college graduation, my wedding, my kids being born. I hate the father daughter dances at weddings, the giving away of the bride, the walking her down the aisle. I don't even know if I'll want a wedding because the concept of the father's role in the daughter's life is so woven into the entire ceremony. Father's day is coming up and it makes me miserable. Some days when I see a young girl holding her father's hand its all I can bear to not break down. Then other days I see it and I'm so happy for that child. She doesn't have to be sad, she doesn't have to experience that kind of loss. I'm glad for her and I hope that her life doesn't have that kind of loss.

My Poof

I'm going to miss her so much that i feel tears well up in my eyes whenever I think about it. We are supposed to and going to be friends forever. I know that we'll see each other a lot on weekends and trips and holidays, but its not enough. We're so ingrained into each others lives its going to be strange and new to not have you around all the time. I did the math and I see you or am with you maybe 80 hours a week. I know you're going to transfer into Udub after a year, but its gonna be a long year. We will survive this, but its going to be hard to not have my partner in crime around all the time. I refuse to pull an olson and have you turn into a Christmas card friend.

Different

For the first time in my teenage life I think that people can tell that I'm depressed. So much bad crap is happening to my family and its affecting me. I've had so many issues with them in the past and I've dealt with it, but lately the bad crap seems to be consuming me. I can normally mask the harshness of my world and forget it with my friends, but of late its leaking into my persona. I am usually the happiest person around, but now I see myself wanting distance because I don't want to infect the happy people around me. Then I was alone today for a great portion of the day and I realized that not being around the people who can help me through my issues is a huge mistake. I feel like now is the time for me to deal with my issues and work through them with the people I love, who love me. I'm going to let it go now and be myself again.

When I'm depressed I'm going to now recite this list of happy things coming up:
1) Graduation
2) Project Grad
3) Disney Land
4) Olson Road Trip
5) Last summer living at home
6) Leah visiting
7) Living on my own
8) UDUB :D
9) Getting even closer with Chelsea in Seattle
10) Making new friends and keeping in touch with the old ones

Listen

There's a lot going on at home. I need to help mom out so she realizes that fat man isn't the only one who is there for her. I thought of all people my best friends would respect that sometimes I need some space. She needs me right now, that doesn't mean I don't want to hang out, but if means that sometimes family and obligations come first. If that means I'm busy on a weekend so be it and accept that I can't always be the one to provide the entertainment and plans

Friendship

What I believe is life isn’t meant to give you meaning. I’ve never really wanted a deeper meaning for life than that it is a gift that was randomly bestowed upon us and we have the free will to enjoy, question it, or throw it away.

I remember you more than you may realize, freshman year at least, I still can’t remember giving you cupcakes in 4th grade specifically. I remember sitting on the side of that wall and I was miserable. I would come and be there but not be there. I had Ellie barely as a friend, she was still close to a group I was only an occasional and special events participant. I would try and interact, but I was so awkward and weird that no one paid attention other than to question my sanity.

I saw you there and I remember speaking to you about books on a few occasions, but I was intimidated by you a little. You seemed so…together. You had your friends on that wall and were guaranteed a spot there. I thought you had it all just because you sat on those steps.

Freshman year was one of the worst years of my life. I had almost no friends and didn’t ever leave my house except on small occasions. I spent my life in my house watching TV and doing homework and waiting for friends to call. I was lonely and I felt like no one cared or noticed.

This feeling lasted all of freshman year and sophomore year. Then in my junior year I was rescued by all the friends I have now. I don’t remember changing who I was but I remember feeling different. I grew into myself.

I know that you’ll never be the person with a million friends because you’re special. Lucy has too much to offer just anyone. To be your friend is a unique experience and you aren’t ready to let too many people in to your world.

I don’t know that what you’re feeling will go away anytime soon like my feelings did, but I want you to know that you have more friends than you think, people who do care around you. Maybe you don’t see them as friends quite yet, but I think they see you in that way. Ellie and I are here for you. If there’s ever something you think you can’t say but really want to just tell us. Ellie was my harbor in a lot of my bad times in life and the experience has taught me the power of just listening without judgment.

Return

Me and my mom have been through a lot of turmoil lately. She just lost a brother in a tragic way, but in losing him I think she's finding herself again. Fat man is gone for a while and its doing me and her so much good. We're talking again for the first time in a long time. I have missed her so much and these days together is making me see what life would've been like if fat man hadn't ever came, how much closer we'd be, and its sad. I am just hoping that things stay good like this. We're planning a great mother's day and its so filling to have her back. I've missed having a mom.

Mingling Metaphores

I'm looking up at the stars as my fingers fly over these keys like the many soft strumming's across a guitar's strings, or the fleeting wings of a hummingbird. I create a beautiful picture in my mind, but right now I feel like I'm in a limbo. I'm caught in a trap between the rest of my life and what is going on now. I can't wait for May to be here and the last month of high school to be in progress so I can get it behind me. I want to know about my scholarships and how I'm going to pay for my college, and I need to know that my life will work itself out. Its all so messy and not in the best way. A close friend was complaining today about petty things, I listened to her and I felt bad for her, but it also made me realize how abnormal my life is compared to others. The bad things in my life are so much more monumental then the average complaints of my generation and it can make me so sad, but it also makes me that much stronger and more willing to fight. Life will only be great if you make it so and surround yourself with people who care and people who inspire you and make the world a better place.

greatness

So many wonderous events are about to unfold
senior ball
graduation
disney land
college
u2 concert in canada

its all so unreal. we are getting caps and gowns tomorrow and by friday we have to submit our senior ball form. when did that happen to us?! when did we become those adult people about to embark on the next chapter of our lives? i'm so excited and happy that its here and completely anxious for it to arrive. the future is so bright and happy, much better than the murky darkness that occupies my life here. as i write mom is fighting with fat man, and i'm so ready to get away, escape this world. I need something good to happen and i know there will be some right around the corner. thank god or whoever pulls the strings of life. I'm ready for it all to begin.

What I Do

I wish
I hope
I dream

I plot
I think
I read

I watch
I learn
I want

I work
I yearn
I never stop

Because a life worth living means never giving up

What do you do?

Confirmed

I just confirmed my admission to the University of Washington. I am so scared now. I love that school and I know its where I need and want to be, but I can't afford it at all. I need so much money to pay for the tuition, but I know it'll be worth it. I just hope that I can find a way.

Creator

She is so surprised to see me so grown up. She doesn't know when it happened. I know when it did. It happened when dad died and you couldn't handle it, it happened when you hooked up with some guy only 7 months after dad died, it happened when you started drinking, it happened when you fought with him, threw him out and then let him back in the next day with no explanations or apologies. It happened, you missed it, quit acting like you were there for me, you weren't.

Family

I am looking down at Lucy’s blog and realizing how much braver she is than me. She says so much on this blog and lets the world into see her life. I have decided to try and emulate her in this regard.

My life is scattered right now, it always is pretty much. The largest thing is that March 24, 2009 has now come and; passed. That was the 6th anniversary of the day my father died. He was my best friend and I miss him so much that I feel so lost in the world, adrift from the universe at times.

We all tell ourselves that time heals all wounds, no matter the depth and pain, but that is a lie. I think I hurt more now than I did when I was a scared and numbed 11 year old. I can’t talk about this with anyone, not even my sister who has lost everything that I have, not even with Ellie who is my soul mate in this life and the next, not even with Lucy who claims she is there but doesn’t know what to say, not even with Jude who has such a simple view of life, not even with Ally, my spiritual advisor.

Ally gives me answers straight from a Bible and they can comfort me, but the lack of her own experiences behind the words makes me feel that they are false. I miss my daddy. It’s that simple. I miss having a whole family. Neil and Lucy don’t know how lucky they are, having so much family around them, and having such strength in those connections. I have a family that is scattered to the winds where it survives. I don’t talk to a lot of them; they have abandoned me without the connection of my father. They are gone and I miss them. I miss the close friends that came to every thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I miss the birthday phone calls, I miss their homes where we vacationed, I miss the people I thought we; could rely on, but I suppose we couldn’t.


My sister is in a world that I can’t ever fully join her in, she has allowed me in as far as she can allow, for now, and I’ll try and wait for the door to open further, but it’s a constantly evolving process. She is the main family I have in blood, besides my mother.

Charles. You don’t understand family. You don’t understand me. I’m getting tired of you, tired of your disrespect of me, my friends, of everything. I don’t know or care to know the person you’re becoming. This is why you’re not on the list below.

My Real Family

Ellie aka Stoof
Lucy aka Chelsea
Jude aka Sean
Neil aka Saumalu
Ally aka Karen


The random people who make me smile, make me happy, make me love them but aren’t the closest to me.

I'm Sorry

I think it might be for the best. I hate parts of it, but maybe it'll be better for everyone if the people involved grow from it. It has to be like this for now, maybe the future holds a compromise, but if not it'll be ok, we will be ok. Because we have to be, but I'm sorry I know it hurts you more than it hurts me. It tears me up, but we will all be better from it. I know this to be true. Its not because i agree with one side over the other, its because both sides need time to realize what it is they feel and why they are so mad.

Two

I’m a little torn these days. I went from a freshman with two friends to a sophomore with one friend to a junior and a senior with so many friends in so many categories it’s impossible to count. All of these friends are great and I love them all with all of my heart. The only problem with that is choices. The choice of which friends you eat lunch with and which friends you invite to parties and which friends you text and call and keep up the constant communication with. I have two main groups, the fantastic and the outsiders. I love them both, they fill up two different parts of me, but sometimes I want one over the other. Its only as simple as a passing mood or what’s on my mind at the moment. I wish I could talk to them both about it openly, how torn I feel at times because the two don’t really mix together, but I realize that that is how it has to be. I need them both so it’s my choice to manage the two together. I love them both equally and they don’t always understand that, but they’ll get used to it if they’re the true friends I find in both groups.

The Real World Awaits Us

Everything is about to change. It is a simple statement of facts, a string of five words that is about to define the rest of my life. I feel as though I am standing on the precipice of greatness and I am about to jump in. My high school life is ending in about three months. That is so fucking terrifyingly, awesome. I am scared to no end but I am more excited than I have ever been about anything. It’s the real world that I am about to enter. I want to go to college and start the rest of my life more than I can express in mere words. My life here is almost at a close and I can see the rest of the big world that is waiting for me. I have a new desire to move out and on and I can't wait for it to be real. I have loved my life in high school and I wouldn't change anything about it, except maybe that I tried harder in math and French lol, and that people understood me better from the beginning, but now I'm so content with everything and everyone that leaving them all behind is hard. I am brining some of them with me I hope, but the places and experiences are all left behind here on Maui, my one true home.

New Leaf

A few people know who this is about, many more would guess wrong, but this is a blog of sadness and a new leaf. I've liked you so much for so long and I have decided I need to let it go really badly. We've started to get so much closer and I don't want to risk that or make things awkward between us, so this is goodbye to those feelings, this is my new leaf.

What I Love

I work in the absolute best place in the world. It is my escape from everything that I hate or fear. I love books more than I love air or any other essential component of life. Sometimes I forget my way and I just look at a book or open its pages and inhale the stories, then I remember who I am again. I worship the written word for what it is, magic. A great man once said "Whenever I get some money I go out and I buy books, and if there is anything left I buy food and water." I know exactly how he feels.

Judgement

I just got home from work and decided to actually give this a try. Lucy I'm sorry it took me so long, i was a little lost recently and didn't know how to get back home and try this out. What is on my mind right now is judging. People do it all the time, I know i can, write people off as what catagory they fit into but i try really hard not to. I have a coworker that i will name Amylee for these puposes. I love Amylee, she is so random, not in a goofball way but a shockingly informative way. She studied hebrew and hawaiian, is a recovering drug user, and knew the persian root of my true name. She knows so much about so much and i had originally written her off as just another face in the crowd. I'm so glad she changed my mind about her. She is a unique and true person and I'm glad i know her. Fly amylee, fly higher than you think you are capable because I know you can.