My Poof

I'm going to miss her so much that i feel tears well up in my eyes whenever I think about it. We are supposed to and going to be friends forever. I know that we'll see each other a lot on weekends and trips and holidays, but its not enough. We're so ingrained into each others lives its going to be strange and new to not have you around all the time. I did the math and I see you or am with you maybe 80 hours a week. I know you're going to transfer into Udub after a year, but its gonna be a long year. We will survive this, but its going to be hard to not have my partner in crime around all the time. I refuse to pull an olson and have you turn into a Christmas card friend.

Different

For the first time in my teenage life I think that people can tell that I'm depressed. So much bad crap is happening to my family and its affecting me. I've had so many issues with them in the past and I've dealt with it, but lately the bad crap seems to be consuming me. I can normally mask the harshness of my world and forget it with my friends, but of late its leaking into my persona. I am usually the happiest person around, but now I see myself wanting distance because I don't want to infect the happy people around me. Then I was alone today for a great portion of the day and I realized that not being around the people who can help me through my issues is a huge mistake. I feel like now is the time for me to deal with my issues and work through them with the people I love, who love me. I'm going to let it go now and be myself again.

When I'm depressed I'm going to now recite this list of happy things coming up:
1) Graduation
2) Project Grad
3) Disney Land
4) Olson Road Trip
5) Last summer living at home
6) Leah visiting
7) Living on my own
8) UDUB :D
9) Getting even closer with Chelsea in Seattle
10) Making new friends and keeping in touch with the old ones

Listen

There's a lot going on at home. I need to help mom out so she realizes that fat man isn't the only one who is there for her. I thought of all people my best friends would respect that sometimes I need some space. She needs me right now, that doesn't mean I don't want to hang out, but if means that sometimes family and obligations come first. If that means I'm busy on a weekend so be it and accept that I can't always be the one to provide the entertainment and plans

Friendship

What I believe is life isn’t meant to give you meaning. I’ve never really wanted a deeper meaning for life than that it is a gift that was randomly bestowed upon us and we have the free will to enjoy, question it, or throw it away.

I remember you more than you may realize, freshman year at least, I still can’t remember giving you cupcakes in 4th grade specifically. I remember sitting on the side of that wall and I was miserable. I would come and be there but not be there. I had Ellie barely as a friend, she was still close to a group I was only an occasional and special events participant. I would try and interact, but I was so awkward and weird that no one paid attention other than to question my sanity.

I saw you there and I remember speaking to you about books on a few occasions, but I was intimidated by you a little. You seemed so…together. You had your friends on that wall and were guaranteed a spot there. I thought you had it all just because you sat on those steps.

Freshman year was one of the worst years of my life. I had almost no friends and didn’t ever leave my house except on small occasions. I spent my life in my house watching TV and doing homework and waiting for friends to call. I was lonely and I felt like no one cared or noticed.

This feeling lasted all of freshman year and sophomore year. Then in my junior year I was rescued by all the friends I have now. I don’t remember changing who I was but I remember feeling different. I grew into myself.

I know that you’ll never be the person with a million friends because you’re special. Lucy has too much to offer just anyone. To be your friend is a unique experience and you aren’t ready to let too many people in to your world.

I don’t know that what you’re feeling will go away anytime soon like my feelings did, but I want you to know that you have more friends than you think, people who do care around you. Maybe you don’t see them as friends quite yet, but I think they see you in that way. Ellie and I are here for you. If there’s ever something you think you can’t say but really want to just tell us. Ellie was my harbor in a lot of my bad times in life and the experience has taught me the power of just listening without judgment.