lavender

Lavender
I smell your sweetness
I can almost taste the fragrance
It fills me up in all the empty places
The holes left behind
The wounds left to fester
The people who have left
Those who’ve hurt me
Now those holes are filled and healed over
The smell has borne me anew
The world has shown me the horrors it can unleash
But the wonders too
And I now know the wonders outweigh the horrors
The lavender has shown me the way home
Back to a world that is clear
A world that speaks true
I take another deep inhale of the sweetness
And I walk away
Away from my salvation
Because I know any longer and I won’t be able to leave
Leave behind what has rescued me
Now I leave it as a memory
Something that I can revisit when I need strength
But something that I won’t need every day to continue on
Because it has healed me
And for this I am eternally grateful

happiness is only real if shared

I ride the back of a camel
He runs into the starry night
Stars blur as we gain in speed
I don't know where this beast is taking us
But I don't care
An adventure is what we seek
And I know me and camel shall find it
Finally our destination is here
The valley of the great beyond
An oasis within a desert of times gone by
Peace and love fills the air of this destination
I feel like the world has fallen into place
But...
Something is missing from my paradise
All I have is this camel
And he is not enough
I miss the desert
The smells, the people, the experiences
I miss my friends who are my family
I take the camel and we ride out of the oasis
It’s surprisingly easy to leave paradise for the real world
I realized something there
Happiness is only real if shared

Where Do We Belong?

I just finished watching one of those commercials advertising the benefits of sitting around the dinner table with your family and it made me so sad. They always make me sad, because I used to be one of those families. Mom, Dad, Leah and I used to have fun, serious, political, ridiculous, and ordinary conversations and its the thing I've missed the most since his death. We would talk and eat and laugh with each other and I used to think that we had the perfect nuclear family. Over the past 6 years the occasion of sitting around the dinner table together has gotten rarer and rarer and when we do if Fat Man is home from Oahu where he works and lives most of the time the conversation is tense and filled with his MORONIC AND IDIOTIC jokes that AREN'T FUNNY in the slightest. Its amazing how arrogant and insanely pedantic that man can be. I hate him to the core of my being and his simpering, condescending nature makes me want to jam his head against a curb. When he speaks to me I barely acknowledge him and he isn't perturbed in the slightest. He continues on with his bullshit. The sound of his voice makes my toes curl with discomfort and revulsion. Then I go to chelsea's house. We all help and contribute to the meal and sit around and talk and laugh together. Then we all eat and its amazing food, but the part that I love the most is laughing at playing with the "sploosh" from the root beer bottles and talking with each other like we all matter. The Drazkowski's seem to have this amazing understanding of each other. They love so unconditionally and remind me of how my family used to be. They also seem to accept others into this beautiful world they've created without hesitation. I ran errands with chelsea's mom today and it was great. We chatted and kept each other company and it was nice. I hope that someday the family I have will be as loving and understanding as there's is. I will let my kids make mistakes and they will know I'll be there for them so that they can learn from them. I wont repeat the mistakes of my mother.

Timing

Cellars made me think about the difference between ages and the relationships with those differences. I am now a year ahead of the current seniors, who will always seem like "the juniors" to me and I'm a year behind everyone who was in the class of 2008. Will it always seem like we're separated by that one year in time. Like I'm perpetually ahead of the juniors and behind the older people I know. Then I look at my current job situation. I'm a seventeen year old girl with only a high school diploma under my belt and I make 10.50 an hour which seems great but pathetic for the reason that many of my much older colleagues make the same or less. There is nothing wrong with being in a job as opposed to a career for the rest of your life if that is what you want to do with your life, but I'm so glad that I'm going to college and I'll be having a career that will bring more of an opportunity than that of a normal job that pays the bills and doesn't bring much of a sense of satisfaction. I love my job a lot and I get a lot of enjoyment out of it, but I don't want to serve people the rest of my life. I want to go up the ladder of life and leave the work that I do now to the seventeen year old high school graduates of tomorrow. I saw a lot of amazing people that I'm truly going to miss when i go to college, but it also made me think about the parts of high school that I hated, the exclusivity of the "popular" crowd I didn't want to be included in, and the degradation of the young people in our society. Why young women want to dance and dress and act in a way that makes people view them as cheap meat is beyond me. I don't want to judge them, but its so sad to see girls so young conforming to a social norm of what it means to be attractive. Then I see girls like Darcy who I thought were dressed sexily, but appropriately. She looked great and beautiful and in control without screaming to the world that she hot. I have hope for the future of my generation, but only if those of us who are intelligent rise above the caste system in our society and remember to be individuals.