Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Creator
She is so surprised to see me so grown up. She doesn't know when it happened. I know when it did. It happened when dad died and you couldn't handle it, it happened when you hooked up with some guy only 7 months after dad died, it happened when you started drinking, it happened when you fought with him, threw him out and then let him back in the next day with no explanations or apologies. It happened, you missed it, quit acting like you were there for me, you weren't.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Family
I am looking down at Lucy’s blog and realizing how much braver she is than me. She says so much on this blog and lets the world into see her life. I have decided to try and emulate her in this regard.
My life is scattered right now, it always is pretty much. The largest thing is that March 24, 2009 has now come and; passed. That was the 6th anniversary of the day my father died. He was my best friend and I miss him so much that I feel so lost in the world, adrift from the universe at times.
We all tell ourselves that time heals all wounds, no matter the depth and pain, but that is a lie. I think I hurt more now than I did when I was a scared and numbed 11 year old. I can’t talk about this with anyone, not even my sister who has lost everything that I have, not even with Ellie who is my soul mate in this life and the next, not even with Lucy who claims she is there but doesn’t know what to say, not even with Jude who has such a simple view of life, not even with Ally, my spiritual advisor.
Ally gives me answers straight from a Bible and they can comfort me, but the lack of her own experiences behind the words makes me feel that they are false. I miss my daddy. It’s that simple. I miss having a whole family. Neil and Lucy don’t know how lucky they are, having so much family around them, and having such strength in those connections. I have a family that is scattered to the winds where it survives. I don’t talk to a lot of them; they have abandoned me without the connection of my father. They are gone and I miss them. I miss the close friends that came to every thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I miss the birthday phone calls, I miss their homes where we vacationed, I miss the people I thought we; could rely on, but I suppose we couldn’t.
My sister is in a world that I can’t ever fully join her in, she has allowed me in as far as she can allow, for now, and I’ll try and wait for the door to open further, but it’s a constantly evolving process. She is the main family I have in blood, besides my mother.
Charles. You don’t understand family. You don’t understand me. I’m getting tired of you, tired of your disrespect of me, my friends, of everything. I don’t know or care to know the person you’re becoming. This is why you’re not on the list below.
My Real Family
Ellie aka Stoof
Lucy aka Chelsea
Jude aka Sean
Neil aka Saumalu
Ally aka Karen
The random people who make me smile, make me happy, make me love them but aren’t the closest to me.
My life is scattered right now, it always is pretty much. The largest thing is that March 24, 2009 has now come and; passed. That was the 6th anniversary of the day my father died. He was my best friend and I miss him so much that I feel so lost in the world, adrift from the universe at times.
We all tell ourselves that time heals all wounds, no matter the depth and pain, but that is a lie. I think I hurt more now than I did when I was a scared and numbed 11 year old. I can’t talk about this with anyone, not even my sister who has lost everything that I have, not even with Ellie who is my soul mate in this life and the next, not even with Lucy who claims she is there but doesn’t know what to say, not even with Jude who has such a simple view of life, not even with Ally, my spiritual advisor.
Ally gives me answers straight from a Bible and they can comfort me, but the lack of her own experiences behind the words makes me feel that they are false. I miss my daddy. It’s that simple. I miss having a whole family. Neil and Lucy don’t know how lucky they are, having so much family around them, and having such strength in those connections. I have a family that is scattered to the winds where it survives. I don’t talk to a lot of them; they have abandoned me without the connection of my father. They are gone and I miss them. I miss the close friends that came to every thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I miss the birthday phone calls, I miss their homes where we vacationed, I miss the people I thought we; could rely on, but I suppose we couldn’t.
My sister is in a world that I can’t ever fully join her in, she has allowed me in as far as she can allow, for now, and I’ll try and wait for the door to open further, but it’s a constantly evolving process. She is the main family I have in blood, besides my mother.
Charles. You don’t understand family. You don’t understand me. I’m getting tired of you, tired of your disrespect of me, my friends, of everything. I don’t know or care to know the person you’re becoming. This is why you’re not on the list below.
My Real Family
Ellie aka Stoof
Lucy aka Chelsea
Jude aka Sean
Neil aka Saumalu
Ally aka Karen
The random people who make me smile, make me happy, make me love them but aren’t the closest to me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I'm Sorry
I think it might be for the best. I hate parts of it, but maybe it'll be better for everyone if the people involved grow from it. It has to be like this for now, maybe the future holds a compromise, but if not it'll be ok, we will be ok. Because we have to be, but I'm sorry I know it hurts you more than it hurts me. It tears me up, but we will all be better from it. I know this to be true. Its not because i agree with one side over the other, its because both sides need time to realize what it is they feel and why they are so mad.
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