Crush

I don't know what scares me more. That he knows that I like him or that he doesn't. I've had a lot of crushes over my last years of high school. Most of them meaningless and innocent. A fleeting attraction if you will. I've been accused of being boycrazy and an emotional whore, but deep down I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will understand me. I feel like my personality is so out there that it immediately makes men put me in the "friend zone" and I don't want to remain there forever. I see so many happy couples out there and I don't know if I'll ever be one of them. There's this one guy. Lets call him Landon. Its no one people would ever guess, he's older and so unique and comfortable in his own skin. We have so much fun together. I feel like he doesn't judge me or dump me in a category, but I know when I leave here for my new future I'll forget him with time. Out of sight=Out of mind. I don't know who the future holds but I hope he makes me happy, that's all I want, to be happy.

Lasting Emotion

I hope this new thing lasts. Its come on so suddenly and taken me completely over. I think its what they call being happy.

She apologized

My mom and me and Leah all screamed and cried and yelled our hearts out. About everything that's happened in the past 6 years and all the mistakes made. She finally broke down and admitted fault after I read her the letter I wrote and put on here. I'm so glad we all have a chance to repair our relationship now. All I've ever needed to hear from her is that she made some mistakes and that she's sorry. Thank you mom and thank you God.

I don't know If I can give this to her

July 13, 2009
Dear Mom,
I want you to know that I believe you when you say that you’ve tried your best these past 6 years. I also want you to know that it wasn’t enough. Mistakes were made and the aftermath of those mistakes will have to be reckoned with as time moves on.
I think that the greatest of those mistakes is that you didn’t talk to us. I don’t recall ever being asked if we were ok with you dating someone 7 months after our dad died a long drawn out death. Did you ever think that we’d just be fine with that? Or were you just afraid to ask. Your entire life you’ve let men control you and because of that Leah and I have vowed to never let men be our bosses. Its your own issue that you have to deal with, whether or not its easier to let a man rule your life even though you have a brain in your head and can do things for yourself. Don’t be sad when you see how upset we are at Bart’s continued existence in our lives because I’ve given up trying to fix that. It’s your decision and I’ve made peace with the fact that you’re basically choosing him over me and Leah.
I hope these words don’t make you that sad, I know they may seem harsh but after 6 long years of silence I can’t take not telling you how I feel. I hate Bart; I always have and probably always will. I tried to deny it to you all those times you asked because I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t see that I was the one who needed protection. All your fights, coming home to him packing his things and the screaming wasn’t healthy for us to witness and the fact that after you put me and Leah through all that and told us that you were choosing us over him he was back the next day. You never apologized for that.
I want you to know that I love you so much. I appreciate how hard it has been for you to live here for us, but I want you to know that we’ve had to work just as hard if not harder. I just wish you had kept talking to me. There came a point when I still wanted to share the daily events of my life and you weren’t there anymore. You didn’t seem to want to hear them and I got used to not sharing them with you and now I feel like you want to start hearing them again. If this is true I’m trying to let you in but every time I worry that you’re still going to pick the alcohol over me or Bart over me. I miss you, I love you so much, and I’m not mad that we’ve all made some mistakes in the last 6years. I don’t blame you for any of this because you were doing the best you could.
You told me that I don’t appreciate you, but that’s wrong. Every time you filled my bath for me, made me lunch and brought it to work, or said something encouraging about my efforts in school I appreciated. I guess I should have shown you that more and for this I’m sorry and I miss you.
I hope that with me and Leah both out of the house you realize that there are worse things than having to start your life over in your fifties. I want to be there for you and help. We will all get through the harsh financial times if we act wisely. I hope you really give up drinking when I’m away. You’ve promised it so many times. I refuse to advise you about Bart, me and Leah agree that it’s your decision but you know how we feel, deep down you always knew. You made me feel like I couldn’t be honest with you about how I was feeling so I hid it. I found comfort in my friends. They are what have kept me going and the ones that I talked to about everything. The time came when I had to grow up and in my opinion it came a bit too soon. I won’t ever be a weak person because I had to grow up so fast.
In Sacred Hearts I had little or no friends because I was trying so hard to be an adult when I was still a child. I was uptight and overly strict with my classmates. I learned to let go in high school and finally be happy. I had friends and I loved it. But every time I leave the house to have fun with them I feel like I’m leaving you alone. I’ve tried to stay home more but its boring here and when I tried to invite you to things you wouldn’t come. I asked if you wanted to see a movie 6 times this month. We’ve got some work to do on our relationship. I want you to know that I’m willing to do it.
I love you very much and that will never change. No matter what happens. If you have to rent out half the house or move away when the market comes back. I hope to god that this letter doesn’t hurt you. I want you to know that it wasn’t my intention. I just needed to be honest with you.
Eternal Love,
Roxanne Grantham

Great...

She can't shut her stupid mouth and leave well enough alone. Telling mom the truth about all the shit she's put us through these past 6 years will only make things worse. She's a child incapable of taking responsibility. Stop pushing it. I want to have the superficial happiness that we have when you and fat man aren't around to push things. Live and let live, sometimes being right isn't enough. Sometimes you have to settle.

Replacement

Two blogs in one day, i must be on a role. I'm writing this because I feel like someone I considered a close friend is moving away from me. We only hung out outside school on occasion because of some parental issues, but now she's doing things with our mutual friends and not even thinking to invite me. It hurts a bit, especially when I make the effort to invite her even when I know she probably wont come. Its the thought that counts. Is it all because you didn't end up going out with "him"? Is that what you've ended our friendship over? I've always sensed that I was a bit of a second class friend just because I wasn't in NHS or didn't go to LIS or something. I didn't know what it was but there was always something there that seemed to hold her away from me. We bonded over things and I'm sad to see this friendship dwindle. Our texting still feels like it always did but now she's off doing things with our friends and I wouldn't even hear about it if it weren't for Twitter or another friend who mistakenly asked if I was going along on the plans. I informed him I wasn't invited and he felt bad. I hope that she doesn't realize what she's doing or that there's a reason other than she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I miss her.

Hello Seattle

I can't wait for my new home!!!!!!!!!!! Stoof is there right now and I'm beyond envious. I'm sick to death of the faux family dinners and life here. I'm so ready to live in Seattle and have a new place to call my home. Stoof talking about the places makes me sure that I'm going to love it. I can't wait for my new world to open up :D