Somedays

Some days its her hugs that are the only thing that keeps me from bursting into a million different pieces.

Blueberries

I'm sorry if it seemed like I made light of what you said today, its hard for me to be serious at times, so I make unnecessary and mostly unfunny jokes. It means a lot to both of us that you could say that, I know it must be hard for you and I'm so glad you felt you could do it. I hope you never try and push us away because we won't let you. But as much as we love you I hope you understand that there are times when me and Ellie need our time up in the north without anyone else. Its not that we don't love you, its that it inadvertently became our other world. We'll bring you into it when we feel we can, but sometimes it has to just be us. I feel like our friendship works best away from everyone else, the three of us and no one else. Other people just don't understand it as well. I love you, man. Its good to know you love us too.

Rememberance

They say today is a day to remember. What, I'm not sure. Remember how my father sacrificed his health, vision and life for his country and then was told they wouldn't acknowledge they were the reason he got sick and died? remember that they won't help me and my sister get through college? I love this country and I'm proud to be an American, but I'm far from being completely satisfied with the way this country's military has treated my family.

Not Jealous Just Alone

Love her forever. Do anything for her, not upset she's found bittersweet happiness, but the pit of my stomach yearns to find what she has found. Tired of being alone.

Erased

I deleted him off of everything. I think I removed all evidence of the friendship/whatever I was. It was a shitty friendship and he was an unbelievable jerk to me, but its done. I'm so glad I have perspective and I'm so glad the mistake wasn't as bad as it could have been. He's done. Forever.

Hello Seattle, Now We're in New York Under the Stars

One of the things I love about Stoof is the talking. We stay up hours past when we should be sleeping and just talk. We speak aloud, we dream, we say things that we might not even say during the daylight. Its like the darkness is a drug that lets us say some of the things we won't even admit to ourselves. I know our lives are headed in the same general direction, for now, but I don't know the future. What will happen after college is over? The current plan for me is to move to New York after I graduate and work for Barnes and Noble on the corporate level. NEW YORK?! All the way on the East coast, as far away from Seattle as Maui is if not more. Life is so confusing and fast paced and tragically short. Stoof, Chelsea, Liz, Sean, all my friends on Maui and across the world. I don't know who is going to be in my life 5 years from now. I close my eyes and picture my wedding to some anonymous man that I probably don't even know yet and I wonder who will be on the invite list that I know right now. No matter what me and the Stoof are soul mates, we're stuck with each other. To take a line from Grey's Anatomy everyone has a "person" the one that will pick you up after an abortion, the one who would answer a call at 4 a.m to pick their drunk ass up at a bar, and the one who is irreplaceable. Stoof is my soul mate. We're closer than sisters, illustrated by the fact that we are both closer to each other than to our own flesh and blood sisters.



My eyes are closed and I open them. The first image is unclear, it appears to be a man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I look around underneath a white tent with a sky filled with stars. The lights are shimmering to mimic the sky above us. A beautiful woman in a stunning backless dress approaches me with a shaggy gentleman in a suit with a half crooked smile. I realize the woman is Stoof and the man is her "happily ever after". We hug like the world will end after we let go. The moment ends and we just look at each other. She doesn't have to speak, our respective boys are talking about the ceremony, and something else. We're not paying attention we just can't stop grinning like idiots. Then she takes me by the arm and said "The time has come." and we move as a pack to meet the rest of the guests. A few are unfamiliar but then two women approach me. One of them screaming with joy, the other looks terribly amused by the proceedings. Its Elizabeth Lagbas and Chelsea. I look around and I see Talitha, Jessica, Mariele, Justine, Eric, Kelly, Sierra, and Sarah of my Seattle crew. I see Melvin, Macenzie, Jono, Blake, Sean, Lyle, Will, my sister, and some of the other Lahainaluna people. I throw back my head and laugh. Its been such a journey.



I hope it all turns out happy and feel-good like this small dream I have. But I just don't know. Maybe I'll have the same group of friends in 10 years with a few additions. Or maybe it will have utterly changed. The one thing I know for certain is Stoof and I are in it for life. Chelsea I hope is in it for life. Sometimes she seems so distant, so transient. Like there's a wall between her and the rest of the world that she can't even let down for me and Stoof. We care deeply for her, but we're not mind readers. I'll just hope for the best and have faith in myself that it all works out the way it's meant to.

Timing

Regrets are a waste of time. Must remember to stop having them one of these days. I can't wait to return to Seattle, I love it here, but I'm so bored and stir crazy these days. It seems like all we do is look at each other and wonder what we should do with our time. Which usually entails the beach and barnes and noble. Great times are always had but I miss the city lights. I miss my friends in washington. Can't wait for adventures with Chelsea, my Haggett ladies, and school friends. August 19th, one month in counting.

Generation X

When did I become one of those girls who makes those types of mistakes? It happened a while back, but the fact that it happened still bothers me. I never want to become one of those girls I hate. Time for some changes. Time to do better because I used to be a better person. So its with determination I return to college life with virginity intact but pride mildly dented. Note to self: never drink with boys I like who are complete assholes.

Choices

Life is a series of choices, or so I've been told. If this holds true than why have the biggest and most altering choices of my life been made by another person? The phrase should be, life is a series of choices that you don't get to make. Over and over again I've thought that maybe I could stand him, maybe I could get used to him, maybe if he works at it he can be like a real father (something I've sorely missed). But again and again I've been let down and disappointed. Life hasn't given me a second chance at a family. Mom's in AA and I'm so happy for her, she's getting help, but at the same time she refuses to address where the original problem came from and change it. He's the root of almost all of this families problems and i can't help but feel that if he left things would get so much better and we could finally get back to a place that resembles normalcy. I know this is a fools wish because she is afraid. She won't trust that she can function in this life without a man, she's always had an old fashioned perspective on this, but now its to the point of ridiculousness. She just doesn't understand how difficult it is to trust him and let someone into my heart again. I tried so hard after we lost Dad and he was there, but then I remember the emotional abuse, the fights, him leaving supposedly for good and being home the next day. he's been nice to me since I've been home, but I can't let him in because I know how much it'll hurt. It would've been so much easier if mom had chosen better, if someone else had been let into my life who could have helped our family instead of contribute to its decay. I don't think she understands the gravity of me and Leah's last choice, what has become our only choice. If after this summer she hasn't left him we are telling her that we're not going to be returning for extended periods of time, she won't be invited to Leah's wedding, won't be allowed to see her future grandchildren. If she continues to make her choice of him before her only children then she is basically losing her children. We won't take a backseat to him any longer. We have a choice. The hardest we'll ever make, but it is a necessity to ensure our own survival. The time is almost upon us.

Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day

I'm really happy here. I love the people I'm meeting and the things I'm doing, but even all this fun can't completely hide the worry I feel. I found out something recently that surprised me, my mother joined alcoholics anonymous. It was a revelation because she's never really admitted that she had a major problem. Its good to see her taking it seriously and making an effort to change, but it worries me, I feel like maybe she had an impetus, like her doctor telling her something bad that forced her to quit her drinking before she destroyed her liver. It makes me think. Every time I have a drink in college I could be going one step further towards becoming like her and developing a problem. It scares me, but at the same time I don't want my long history of family alcoholism to prevent me from making my own choices and having fun in college and experiencing it for myself. I'm going through a phase. I'm discovering the party scene and trying new things for myself. I don't feel like I'm a different person from the girl I was before I came here but the new things I've tried since I've been here have affected the person I'm becoming. I'm experimenting with life and I don't think there is anything wrong with being young and trying out new things. Drinking and smoking do not feel like the big forbidden voodoo that they used to seem like in high school. I'm not going to go too far and get sucked into a world I don't want to be in but I'm having fun and trying on a different side of myself.

The simple joys of waking up here and having this world that I love is amazing, but I feel like its costing me a great friend. I think she thinks I'm moving away from her, but it isn't that. I'm just so busy in this world and as much as I love her and love hanging out with her it gets hard for me to move out of this part of town and find the time to get away with her. I've tried to include her in my world here, but she tends to not like the people in this world. I feel like the only way we work is when its just us and her people. I need to work harder at our friendship. I need to make more time for her, but with midterms and finals and papers and friends here its difficult. Then its going to be summer and those months are going to go by and I don't know what will happen. Losing her as a friend, despite all the times she drives me crazy, would be devastating and a loss of a piece of who I am. Time must be found. “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.” I owe her better, we owe each other better.

Help

I wish I knew what I could do. I'd do anything if you would only tell me. I'm sorry I'm so busy here. I wish it was simpler. I wish it was last year. All these wishes on stars and plants that I blow the seeds off of. None of it will help, but still I look at the stars and search the grass. I'm worried about you.

Jet Plane

Some days I wish I could fly away on a jet plane. Just take off into the sky and leave the world behind. Leave my friends, my family, my school, my life. Just throw it all away and fly alone into the abyss. I no longer feel for the person I've spent, or rather wasted, the last 6 months of my life on. It was selfish, and pointless, and insane. I want to just erase him, erase all that we were, he's a hypocrite, he's a liar, he doesn't even respect me. I'll be his friend, but we're not close, he refuses to let me in and that is on him. If he ever wants to I'll be there, but I'm not going to force myself into his life. I could have given it up to him, and I'm so glad I didn't. I would have regretted it beyond any other mistake. I'm making a promise to myself. No more boy obsessions like this. No more allowing it to take over my life. If I feel like I'm going to again, I'll just drift off and fly away on my jet plane. No more. I may need to reread this later and remind myself. I'm sorry to my best friends who I talked about this, or rather whined about it, way too much.

Erased so I can move on

7 years....

Seven years. Its so weird. I don't feel much. I guess crying on Marble for over an hour on Sunday drained me of the necessary emotion to feel much on today. Dad's dead, mom's a drunk who dates an evil son of a bitch, and me and leah are caught in a crossfire. Only difference between this anniversary and the past 6 is that I'm finally on my own, free and in college. I still miss him, but I love him still. I was happy today, I should be happy today, celebrate the good times instead of be sad. Its okay...Its all going to be okay.

My Stoof

The reason we are best friends is because if I ask a question like this, I get an answer like this.

Why wont you make love to me with the lights on?! by RoxyDuck

My other senses are strengthened when in it's dark so the whole experience is much more sensual.

Forgot what its like

I can't stop thinking about how unfair it all is. The 7th anniversary of his death is fast approaching. I can't remember what its like to have a father anymore. I remember him so fondly, he was such an amazing person and father. I miss him. I see reminders of him everywhere. Canada was kind of hard in some ways. I look at Scott and Dan and the Morrison's and it reminds me of my childhood before everything got so messed up. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm going to post more soon. Just had to get this out there.