Living

We shall see how this world goes for now. It's been over a year since I moved to Seattle, a year since I gave up the world I knew for a completely different adventure. I will be the first to admit that I was miserable here at first. Freshman year's beginning is not something I like to ponder much, there were moments of happiness, but they were eclipsed by the overall feeling of being lost. I don't know why I stayed, I think it was mostly because I didn't want to return home with my tail between my legs. Or perhaps it was because it was the only option I felt I had. It's still scary being here at times. I often have to breathe deeply just to regain stability. It's terrifying to be so utterly alone, its like standing on the edge of a great cliff with only a thread keeping you to the land. But then again it's the most exciting thing I've ever done. Now that I look up at my life I'm so grateful to be here. Stoof, Chelsea and I used to sit in Outback with our cheese fries and do a bit of dreaming that someday we'd end up in Seattle and have all of these adventures and now here we are doing it. WE DID IT. We got out of Maui and we made something of ourselves. I've always been a person who lived for the future and now I'm in my year off from school for instate tuition and all i have is the present. I don't want to think about the future. I just want to live. I'm living just live. I'm imagining this is the last time period of my life when I can just live, no major career or school to take care of. I want to make the most of this. I want to get out and live a little more loudly.

Somedays

Some days its her hugs that are the only thing that keeps me from bursting into a million different pieces.

Blueberries

I'm sorry if it seemed like I made light of what you said today, its hard for me to be serious at times, so I make unnecessary and mostly unfunny jokes. It means a lot to both of us that you could say that, I know it must be hard for you and I'm so glad you felt you could do it. I hope you never try and push us away because we won't let you. But as much as we love you I hope you understand that there are times when me and Ellie need our time up in the north without anyone else. Its not that we don't love you, its that it inadvertently became our other world. We'll bring you into it when we feel we can, but sometimes it has to just be us. I feel like our friendship works best away from everyone else, the three of us and no one else. Other people just don't understand it as well. I love you, man. Its good to know you love us too.

Rememberance

They say today is a day to remember. What, I'm not sure. Remember how my father sacrificed his health, vision and life for his country and then was told they wouldn't acknowledge they were the reason he got sick and died? remember that they won't help me and my sister get through college? I love this country and I'm proud to be an American, but I'm far from being completely satisfied with the way this country's military has treated my family.

Not Jealous Just Alone

Love her forever. Do anything for her, not upset she's found bittersweet happiness, but the pit of my stomach yearns to find what she has found. Tired of being alone.

Erased

I deleted him off of everything. I think I removed all evidence of the friendship/whatever I was. It was a shitty friendship and he was an unbelievable jerk to me, but its done. I'm so glad I have perspective and I'm so glad the mistake wasn't as bad as it could have been. He's done. Forever.

Hello Seattle, Now We're in New York Under the Stars

One of the things I love about Stoof is the talking. We stay up hours past when we should be sleeping and just talk. We speak aloud, we dream, we say things that we might not even say during the daylight. Its like the darkness is a drug that lets us say some of the things we won't even admit to ourselves. I know our lives are headed in the same general direction, for now, but I don't know the future. What will happen after college is over? The current plan for me is to move to New York after I graduate and work for Barnes and Noble on the corporate level. NEW YORK?! All the way on the East coast, as far away from Seattle as Maui is if not more. Life is so confusing and fast paced and tragically short. Stoof, Chelsea, Liz, Sean, all my friends on Maui and across the world. I don't know who is going to be in my life 5 years from now. I close my eyes and picture my wedding to some anonymous man that I probably don't even know yet and I wonder who will be on the invite list that I know right now. No matter what me and the Stoof are soul mates, we're stuck with each other. To take a line from Grey's Anatomy everyone has a "person" the one that will pick you up after an abortion, the one who would answer a call at 4 a.m to pick their drunk ass up at a bar, and the one who is irreplaceable. Stoof is my soul mate. We're closer than sisters, illustrated by the fact that we are both closer to each other than to our own flesh and blood sisters.



My eyes are closed and I open them. The first image is unclear, it appears to be a man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I look around underneath a white tent with a sky filled with stars. The lights are shimmering to mimic the sky above us. A beautiful woman in a stunning backless dress approaches me with a shaggy gentleman in a suit with a half crooked smile. I realize the woman is Stoof and the man is her "happily ever after". We hug like the world will end after we let go. The moment ends and we just look at each other. She doesn't have to speak, our respective boys are talking about the ceremony, and something else. We're not paying attention we just can't stop grinning like idiots. Then she takes me by the arm and said "The time has come." and we move as a pack to meet the rest of the guests. A few are unfamiliar but then two women approach me. One of them screaming with joy, the other looks terribly amused by the proceedings. Its Elizabeth Lagbas and Chelsea. I look around and I see Talitha, Jessica, Mariele, Justine, Eric, Kelly, Sierra, and Sarah of my Seattle crew. I see Melvin, Macenzie, Jono, Blake, Sean, Lyle, Will, my sister, and some of the other Lahainaluna people. I throw back my head and laugh. Its been such a journey.



I hope it all turns out happy and feel-good like this small dream I have. But I just don't know. Maybe I'll have the same group of friends in 10 years with a few additions. Or maybe it will have utterly changed. The one thing I know for certain is Stoof and I are in it for life. Chelsea I hope is in it for life. Sometimes she seems so distant, so transient. Like there's a wall between her and the rest of the world that she can't even let down for me and Stoof. We care deeply for her, but we're not mind readers. I'll just hope for the best and have faith in myself that it all works out the way it's meant to.